Why You Keep Fighting With Her Over the Same Things (And How to Stop)
You had the same fight again last night
Maybe it was about the dishes.
Maybe it was about how you talk to the kids.
Maybe it was about something so small you can barely remember what started it.
But you remember how it felt. That tightness in your chest. The way your jaw clenched. The rage that came out of nowhere.
And now you’re sitting there thinking, “What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this?”
Here’s the truth: You’re not fighting with your wife. You’re fighting with ghosts.
The Real Fight Isn’t in the Room
When your partner says something that sounds like criticism, your body doesn’t hear her words. It hears every time you weren’t good enough.
Every time your dad said you were weak.
Every time your mom made you feel like you couldn’t do anything right.
Every time a coach, a boss, a teacher told you to toughen up and stop being so sensitive.
Your nervous system stored all of that. And now, when she says, “Can you please remember to take out the trash?” your body hears, “You’re failing again.”
That’s not her fault. And it’s not yours either.
Why the Same Fights Keep Happening
In somatic work, we talk about the stream of life. Imagine your nervous system as a stream. When trauma happens (big or small), it’s like throwing a boulder into that stream. The water has to flow around it. It gets stuck. It spins in circles.
That spinning? That’s the trauma vortex.
And every time something in your present bumps up against that boulder from your past, you get stuck in the same pattern.
Fight. Explode. Shut down. Withdraw. Repeat.
You can have all the self-awareness in the world. You can understand WHY you do it. But until you get the boulder out of the stream, nothing changes.
How to Actually Stop the Cycle
Traditional therapy asks you to talk about it. To revisit it. To analyze it. But talking about the boulder doesn’t move it. You need to work with your nervous system directly.
That’s what nervous system work does. We bring in safety. We pendulate between the activation and the calm. We renegotiate what your body stored. And over time, the boulder moves. The stream flows again.
And suddenly, when she says, “Can you take out the trash?” you just hear those words. Not the weight of 40 years of not being enough.
That’s when everything changes.
If you’re ready to stop the cycle, join me for UNDEFEATED, a free 3-day intensive Dec 8, 9, 10 at 6pm CT.
We’re going deep into how to lead your relationship from grounded presence, not your survival patterns.