The Missing Piece in Repair (That's Making Your Fights Worse)
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You apologized. You listened. You even agreed to do better.
So why does she still seem upset?
Here’s what’s probably happening: You’re doing the repair process, but you’re missing one critical piece. And I know you’re missing it because I’ve done it too. We all have.
The Right Way to Repair
When your partner comes to you with a problem, here’s the structure that actually works (credit to Terry Real for the Feedback Wheel):
1. What happened (just the facts): “You said you’d take the trash out and you didn’t.”
2. The story they made up: “The story I made up in my head was that you don’t respect my time or care about what I ask you to do.”
3. How they felt: “I felt disrespected.”
4. What they need: “In the future, if you say you’re going to do something, please do it. Or just don’t commit if you’re not going to follow through.”
Simple, right?
Your job as the listener is to hear them out, ask clarifying questions if needed, and agree to what you can actually do moving forward.
“I hear you. I’m sorry. Moving forward, if I tell you I’m going to take the trash out, I’ll do it.”
Done. Conflict cleared.
But Here’s Where You’re Probably Screwing It Up
Missing Piece #1: You’re Adding Your Own Grievance
She brings up the trash. You apologize. Then you say, “Well, you know what? Your hair is all over the shower, and I need you to start cleaning it up.”
Seems harmless. You’re both just asking for what you want, right?
Wrong.
This turns one problem into two. It feels like you’re deflecting instead of owning it. Deal with what’s on the table. Get through the first problem. THEN, at a completely separate time, bring up your own issue.
Missing Piece #2: You’re Defending Your Intentions
“Can I just explain? I didn’t mean it that way. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”
I get it. I’ve done this. It feels unfair when your intentions were good but she still got hurt.
But here’s the thing: explaining your intentions when she’s trying to tell you she’s hurt makes her feel completely invalidated. Like you’re not hearing her. Like you care more about being right than about how she feels.
Your intentions don’t erase her experience.
The Fast Track to Clearing Conflict
Deal with what’s on the table. Honor what you can in their request. Don’t make it about you.
They brought it to you. Handle what’s going on for them first.
I promise your conflicts will clear faster, and you’ll spend less time walking on eggshells and more time actually enjoying each other.
Men, join me for UNDEFEATED Dec 8 to 10 at 6 pm CT. It’s free. We’re covering how to lead your relationship, how your nervous system hijacks conflict, and what modern relational leadership actually looks like.