3 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Became a Relationship Coach

For My Fellow Practitioners

When I first started this work, I thought I had to show up as some finished product. I thought my relationship needed to be flawless, my emotions perfectly regulated, my words always aligned. The truth is, none of that is real.

The longer I’ve been in this field, the more I’ve learned that you don’t have to be perfect to be effective. The opposite is true. The more human you are, the more powerful your work becomes.

Here are three things I wish I’d known before I became a relationship coach.

1. You Don’t Need to Be Perfect

I’ll never forget one night at a bar when a friend mentioned he liked listening to my podcast. But then he added that he’d overheard me telling his girlfriend about something I was frustrated with in my relationship.

Immediately, doubt flooded my system. My thoughts swirled: Was I a fraud? How could I support other people if I didn’t have a perfect relationship? What if Ryan and I broke up? Would I have to close my business?

After that night, I pivoted my business for a while. Convincing myself that if I couldn’t show up perfectly, I shouldn’t show up at all.

But here’s what I *thankfully* remembered: The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is growth.

I’m human. I freakin love my partner. And sometimes we argue. Sometimes I say the wrong thing. Sometimes my adaptive child comes out to play when I experience a trigger. And then I have to apologize and repair. That’s not failure. That’s what being in a real relationship looks like.

We’re not supposed to be gurus. We don’t need to be perfect. What our clients need from us isn’t flawlessness, it’s honesty. It’s our humanness, our willingness to be messy, and model what growth and repair actually look like.

Reminder: This is why it’s essential to understand the why behind your business. I used to believe my why was simply that I loved relationships and wanted everyone to experience love and connection, which is true, but it goes much deeper than that. Growing up in a home with a lot of conflict, I know what it feels like as a child to carry the weight of believing the tension was somehow your fault. My deeper why is that I don’t want kids to grow up with that same heaviness. And in order to help those kids, I focus on helping their parents create healthier, more connected relationships.

Knowing your why keeps you in pursuit of your mission, even when doubt shows up.

2. Deep Understanding Requires Strong Boundaries

As I grew as a practitioner, I stopped seeing clients’ behaviors as single actions and started seeing them as combinations of all their different parts. The adaptive child. The functional adult. The wounds. The protective patterns. The part that was never attuned to. The part that doesn’t feel lovable. The part that fears rejection.

This shift gave me a deeper sense of compassion and understanding, but it also blurred boundaries in my personal life.

I held on to relationships longer than I should. I made excuses for people’s hurtful behaviors. I explained away actions that, at the end of the day, weren’t okay because I could see the story and pain behind them.

But here’s the thing. Just because you can understand why someone is treating you a certain way doesn’t make it acceptable.

Wounds are explanations, not excuses.

Reminder: Boundaries are essential. As we teach our clients how to hold their standards and create healthy boundaries in their lives and relationships, we have to make sure we’re doing the same. Walk the walk. Compassion doesn’t cancel accountability. Boundaries keep relationships safe and healthy.

3. You Will Be Misunderstood (And Likely Judged)

I once made a series of TikTok videos about things I wish I’d known before I got divorced. In one video, I compared divorce to grieving the loss of a loved one. Not because they’re the same, but because both processes include stages of denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, and finally, acceptance.

The video went viral. Many people resonated with it. But others completely misunderstood my point and accused me of saying divorce was as painful as death.

That’s the reality of putting your work out into the world. Some people will understand you, and some won’t. Some will even judge you for it.

And it’s not just strangers on the internet. Sometimes, the people closest to you, like friends and family, won’t understand what you’re doing or may even laugh at the content you’re putting out on the internet. It can feel lonely, especially when you’re building a practice on your own.

Reminder: You’re not for everyone. Being misunderstood is inevitable. When you water yourself down to be palatable to the masses, those who need your work the most will miss you in the scroll. What has helped me: mentorship and community. These two things are essential. You need people in your corner who get it, who can support you when the noise gets loud. Hire the coach. Join the group. And remember, that friend who laughs at what you’re putting out online isn’t paying your bills.

At the End of the Day

This work isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being real. Lead with authenticity, hold your boundaries, and keep showing up. There are people who need your medicine.